Answers to men’s thoughts and questions

My wife gets all upset if she finds that I’ve been looking at porn on the internet. But every guy I know does it.
Unfortunately, it’s typical, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for a man or his marriage. Men are by nature, God designed to be sexually stimulated by visual cues. However, every man and woman is supposed to guard against temptation. Pornography taints a man’s own values and adversely affects his attitude toward his most important relationships. Pornography is not a benign activity. The porn voyeur becomes less satisfied with their mate, learns fiction, rather than fact about female sexuality, and ends up placing decreased value in fidelity.

Isn’t my wife ridiculous to get jealous over normal things a guy looks at, like Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition?
In a word, no. The sad fact is that our culture continually chisels away at godly standards, and labels coarse things as normal. The definition of pornography is simply “the depiction of an image intended to arouse sexual desire”. A man does not need to see a nude woman in order to be aroused sexually. Alluring dialogue, provocative clothing, seductive gestures, suggestive behavior, all have the power to illicit sexual desire. With that definition in mind, a lot of television content qualifies.The average woman has been made to feel silly and insecure when she voices her discomfort, as her husband gawks at this erotica. The man is being sold a line that it is his “right” to look. The damage done to a man’s heart and his relationship goes unchecked.

I masturbate pretty often. I am not hurting anybody, am I?
If you’re married, you are cheating your wife by taking care of your needs yourself. You deprive your relationship of intimacy, and the bonding that only the act of sex within marriage creates. The other component of masturbating is the fantasy images you dwell on during or throughout the day. Your wife and your children may be getting shortchanged, as many men that nurture this kind of fantasy life tend to “check out” of real relationships, and spend their mental energy in their fantasies. Your job can suffer for the same reason. Ultimately, you may miss out on the abundance, and purposeful destiny God desires for you.

But I’m single. There’s no harm done there.
Beyond harming relationships, you are shortchanging yourself. Your career and finances may suffer, as physical, mental and creative energy is diverted into your fantasy life. Additionally, you are setting yourself up for failure in the bedroom when you do marry. Men think their desire to ‘self-serve’ will disappear once they’re married, but unfortunately you’re conditioning yourself to a harmful thought pattern. You’re training yourself to be focused only on your needs, with a fantasy partner that knows exactly how to please you. No real life woman can win against that competition. By contrast, consider adding up how much time you spend studying or daydreaming on how to be a great husband.

I’m single, and I've been able to keep from masturbation for about three months, but I can't get beyond this.
Single men don’t struggle any more or less with sexual integrity. It just looks like it must be easier when you are married. Single and married men will benefit from learning the principles that make sexual integrity attainable for a lifetime. Operation Destiny series for Men offers that.

But my wife doesn’t do the things I want.
Every spouse is called to meet the other’s physical needs, to help diminish temptation. Because a husband and wife sometimes have different levels of need, there should be a process of finding a fair balance. It’s also important to consider if you’ve been inattentive to your wife’s needs. You can only work on improving yourself. The focus should be on how you can be a better husband, not on how her failures give you an excuse. Men don't realize how feeding on a diet of sexual images typically creates dissatisfaction with your mate. Regardless of her shortcomings, your actions are your responsibility. Whether you’re frustrated with how she looks, dresses, or performs in bed, it can never be an excuse for a betrayal of intimacy. That’s true whether the betrayal is pornography or physical infidelity.

But I have a really high sex drive. What’s a guy to do?
A person with a high sex drive can still control his desires. Sexual availability in marriage isn’t supposed to be like a fast food drive thru. It's not about getting a "fix". Rather, it’s an integral component of your relationship. Do you handle your wife’s "No" with pouting or anger, then leave to act out in some other way? If so, you can learn new ways of responding and also having your needs met.

I’ve heard the term sexual addiction, but how do you know if you’re addicted?
Sexual addiction is the way some people attempt to fill inner emptiness, medicate past pain, deal with the stresses in their life, or attempt to fill legitimate unmet needs. Their sexuality becomes their major coping mechanism in their life. Often, sex addiction is used the same way a mood-altering drug is used to change the mood of the addict. While the individual cannot typically stop this sexual behavior for a lengthy period of time on their own, they foster a false sense of self control, and believe that they can. An addict will spend a great deal of time and money in their pursuit of experiencing true intimacy. True intimacy becomes more and more elusive as the addict is only able to attain the illusion of intimacy through fantasy or physical encounters. Ultimately sex addiction isn't about sex, but rather a way of looking at and dealing with life.

For a person to be considered to have an addiction to sex, these four components of behavior, just as in drug/alcohol addiction have to be present:

1.compulsivity – is out of control in the behavior despite repeated attempts to stop.
2.continuation- despite negative consequences to relationships, work, finances, health.
3.preoccupation or obsession – distracting from relationships, shortchanging careers, stealing time from other pursuits
4.tolerance - escalation of the same behavior or progression to more destructive behavior is required to get the same good feeling.

But I know I’m not as bad as a lot of other guys.
If you identified at all with the description above, rather than compare your behavior to other men, consider that there is always a continuum on a scale of habitual behavior, and the more you exercise the habit, the more ingrained it will be. To get more insight into the continuum, click on some of the Men’s Stories on the left to see what I mean. So instead of waiting until you’re farther along the continuum, why not address it now? AVENUE has a complete program designed specifically for your needs. Click on the Bookstore at left to get started.

I’m gay. I’d rather not be, but everybody says “we’re born that way”. What do you guys think?
The research it is still inconclusive whether or not you are born that way. We believe that the majority of people don’t choose to be gay. It is apparent that at the very least, some environmental and situational factors influence the attraction to the same gender. If there is a gene that influences sexual proclivities, from a biblical perspective it would be considered to be in the same category as a gene that influences the tendency toward alcoholism. Scripture is clear on both drunkenness and homosexuality, we aren't supposed to indulge every physical urge. We sympathize with anyone that desires to redirect their current tendencies. We’re not out to change everyone’s mind. We only desire to offer a hand of hope to those that don’t find freedom in today's sexual liberation.

Can I join an AVENUE group without telling my wife or partner?
Yes.

How long does it take to go through the AVENUE Program?
The initial program will take approximately 180 Days to complete depending upon the individual. After this time we recommend that you sponsor others and help facilitate an AVENUE Group to continue your healing and recovery.

If I get help, how can I be certain that my identity will be kept confidential?
We do everything we can to maintain your confidentiality. Every man in a group wants the same courtesy and we establish the guidelines of privacy at the first meeting. Every leader was once previously a group member, and understands firsthand the desire for confidentiality.

What is the point of being in a group, talking to other men about your issues?
The benefits of forging through with other men as you heal are inexhaustible. Other men will become a mirror for you. As you listen to their stories, you will see your own situation with more objectivity. You will find a broader perspective of the common issues. You will experience a healthy bond and friendship. Like men who have gone through war together, you will experience a supportive relationship few can match. One incredible discovery that men always make in these groups is the similarity of the lies they’ve come to believe about themselves tend to be very common. Beyond the introspection, each man is encouraged to look at what his best life could be. The curriculum will provide a compass to direct his path, and he will be strengthened in his efforts by his group buddies.

I would die of shame showing up in a group!
Isolation is the enemy of healing. It is our shame that keeps us silent. Our embarrassment over our situation keeps us locked up in secrets. We wear a mask to hide, often even with our best friends and family members. AVENUE groups are designed to protect your dignity and dispel your fears. Through reading this website, and possibly the book, each man has identified issues in his life that are on target with the problems we’ve described here. Every man in an AVENUE peer group has parallel goals. In that setting you can end your isolation, you can help each other remove the mask of shame you’re wearing.

I took the Men’s Assessment. I could use some minor correcting, but I don’t need to be in a group of guys with real problems. This is a common response about being in a group. It stems from the misunderstanding of the real core problem. Every man in the group is dealing with similar “heart” issues. Instead men tend to focus on the tangible: his actions vs. my actions. Every man that wants to reclaim sexual integrity needs to do the same work. Sure, maybe the guy that has gone really deep will have to work harder, but that isn’t always the case. The guy that holds onto his “I’m not so bad” mantra will ultimately have a harder time because his pride keeps him complacent, instead of focusing on his own need for change.

Is there really hope in recovering from sex compulsiveness?
Absolutely yes. And beyond, as sexual purity is a profound step to open the gateway to live out your God designed destiny that was previously taken off course. Healing takes time and work, but you can experience restoration of emotions, relationships, sexual intimacy, financial integrity and spiritual rebirth.

I have tried other recovery groups unsuccessfully, what makes AVENUE different?
I can't speak to your other experiences or your responses to recovery opportunities. I can offer what we consider foundational to our studies. First and foremost they are rooted in God's truth and love. AVENUE Operation Destiny series effectively helps men identify and heal the root causes of their compromising behavior. Adopting healthy behavior is frustrating and elusive without also identifying and healing the root causes. AVENUE groups are volunteer-led by men who understand because they too have been there. We provide encouragement, accountability, and education to overcome faulty beliefs. We help men reach beyond the goal of sexual integrity to improve other important areas of his life. Whether a man will surrender to the process of healing is in his control alone.

Do you have to be a Christian to attend a group?
In a word, no. AVENUE is a Christ-centered ministry, but you don’t have to believe in God to attend a group. We encourage men from all backgrounds to make use of this study. The curriculum never dilutes God’s truth in order to accommodate other belief systems. While we won’t muzzle our dialogue or spend group time debating other beliefs, we are convinced that the curriculum contains much that is of universal value in the life of every man, because God’s principles work in the world whether you believe in them or not.

To order your copy of Operation Destiny and get started with an AVENUE Men’s group, click on the Bookstore and Find a Group buttons at left.